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    "I Have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
                                                          Jesus Christ
  • 2. How has your child's death affected other areas in your life?

    Brian's death is the very frame through which I now see all things, there are memories everywhere, and if they are not physical, visible, they are a song, a news report of another tragic loss, it may be a young man driving past me who looks just like my son, it is the way I process everything, and having to then reprocess it through Jesus, rather than grief reactions.

    It has affected literally every part of my life, nothing is the same nor ever will be. I'm not functional most of the time, most days just pass. I have no interest in things that I had before, I can't remember anything, I don't sleep leaving me with no energy. Most days I just hate starting another day.

    my life feels empty.....if not for my son and husband i would want to die

    I am no longer the outgoing person that I used to be. I try to keep a handle on the affection that I give to others. It is almost as if I am afraid to give love because they might also leave me. I find it very hard to even leave my house at times. It has become a safe haven for me.

    I am paranoid about my living children ( terrified something will happen to them).

    I lost any innocent i had about being pregnant when i lost her

    My memory is lousy. I am either hypersensitive or totally deadened to the world around me. I don't have the enjoyment of life I once knew. Nothing, including chocolate, tastes as good as it used to. Too many

    Weddings, graduations, proms, learning to drive a car, all things that our children will never get to do will affect us. Holidays are particularly hard, there is an emptiness that will never go away. Their birthdays and the anniversary dates of their deaths will always gnaw at us, we will know that those dates have a significance, long after others have forgotten what the dates were special to us for. You can't help but wonder how they would have turned out, what they would look like, has everyone forgotten about them??? My child's lives affected me a great deal, but their deaths have forever changed me.

    It has affected my life in so many ways. It has made me realize what is important and not important....and there were so many things that I thought was a priority in my life that wasn't at all. If I had to say what areas it has affected I would say "All". For this pain never leaves, the thoughts are always with me, no matter where I am or what I am doing.

    It has alienated me from most of my friends, acquaintances, and some of my family. My husband and I do not talk about Melanie's loss and one of my surviving daughters will not mention Mel either. The memory of Melanie is always upper most in my mind and it remains there for most of my day, week and life.

    Since Ryan and McKenna were premies, I was a nervous wreck with my next pregnancy...convinced that I was going to lose them (another set of twins) too. After Jordan drowned, I am terrified that I will lose another. I am more alert to dangers that my children may find. I won't let them swim...I'm afraid for them to be near water...even the bathtub.

    I feel a certain amount of paranoia for the well being of my surviving children. My short term memory is ruined I stay in thought constantly concerning my son’s well being in Heaven, I even worry about his body being cold during these winter months at the burial site, weird to someone who has not crossed this line into grief I’m sure.

    as we all have discussed here most of us have lost family member and friends who say "they cannot handle the loss of our child.... i still don't understand this one... many friends and family have deserted us.... my mother in law never really had too much to do with us after Adam died... she considered my other two children "leftovers" as they were from a previous marriage.... little did she know they loved her and at her memorial they were the only two who got up and spoke..... my life has changed 100% i truly am not the same person.... i used to be a #1 worrier.. i worried about yesterday, today and tomorrow... not anymore if worrying about it can't change it i have learned to let it go..... i also carried so much old baggage with me... growing up my life was hard... in my first marriage my sister ended up sleeping with my husband.... a lot of baggage that really only weighed me down but i didn't know how to let it go.... well i have learned.... i really feel no more anger.... that was a burden i was more than ready to let go of... i have become more compassionate, a better listener.. we always were a hugging, loving family but we are more so than ever now.... i am kinder, more thoughtful of what i say and do.. i have decided that the worst part of loosing someone is living with the would’ves. could’ves and should'ves so i am determined not to have any of those..... my mother is dying she has emphysema and will be lucky to see another Christmas - i have a relationship that i have always wanted with my mother... she is now my mother and my best friend.. i truly cannot imagine living with out her but i know that she knows how much i love respect and admire her..... my mother also lost a son my brother robin... he was 11 months younger than myself and mother buried him just three months short of his third birthday.... so my mother does understand... she is there for me and i am there for her.... she thanks me for validating that my brother lived and died.... and that she was and is his mother... i think this has been a round about gift for my mother.... one that sadly i have been able to give her...

    It has affected every single fiber of my life! I am no longer the same person I was before nor could I ever be! I have a very hard time concentrating, remembering, surviving!

    ? I haven't been to Church in over a year. My pastor also thinks I should be over "it" by now. I have panic attacks in crowds. I used to be a people person. Now I just want to stay at home away from everyone, even my family. I quit my job after about 15 years. I couldn't deal with the public anymore. My husband and I are not close anymore. We just don't seem to know what to say to each other.

    There isn't enough time or space here to tell you all of the areas it has affected my life. I associate absolutely everything that I encounter each and every day with the earthly loss of my son. I am not the same person that I was before Chuck was killed and I never will be again. Who I was....died on December 8, 1991, right along with him. The ONLY thing positive that has come out of his death is that I am a more compassionate and far more understanding person than I was prior to the worst day in my life. I learned the hard way that NO ONE has the right to tell us "how to grieve" or for how long either. Each and every one of us had a unique and special relationship with our child/children and that makes our grief unique as well. Only those who have never been forced to "walk our walk" can possibly understand just what it does to a parent when they lose a child.

    losing my daughter took all I had in me away, my sense of everything was gone, I didn't care if I even lived after I lost her and contemplated many times taking my life as well. It has been 21 months since Susan died and I sitll do not have a grasp on my emotions. I lost my job, my house and my child within a 6 month period of time, we are still trying to recover.

    It has left me bitter at times with police, God, so called friends, which I see now weren't real friends. Lost my marriage just a few weeks before this happened and it has not returned. 38 yrs of married life. Having to start my life over at 55 was not what I wanted to do, but if Jimmy was here, I think I could be handling it better. My older son still thinks I am dwelling on this too much too. I think it's cause he can't help me through it.

    The death affected me in the beginning by making me wary of leaving home in the event that another tragedy would strike and I would not be there to say good-bye. I have overcome that, but I used to be a loud, laughing all the time, young woman. I was very quiet in the beginning, I still do not talk a lot, I guess I think that people use words too much, especially when they are not necessary.

    The loss of my son has made me change in many ways. I no longer care what tomorrow holds. I basically live for today and don't worry so much about tomorrow. Also I no longer place a great value on material things. Those things don't mean that much to me. As long as I have the necessities of life, I am content. I don't care to live an elaborate life.....especially since my son can't be here to live it with me.

    I don't sleep. 3 years later. Food no longer tastes good, its as if it just all tastes the same. I have suffered long term damage from my post traumatic stress syndrome, and my bipolar manic depression was taken to a whole new level. It also affects how you treat surviving chidren. they don't have the freedom that they had before Tyler died, because I'm scared what will happen to them.

    My loss is really new, but it seems to me that I am just unable to easily relate to anyone else anymore. My other children are themselves grieving and don't know how to help. I am keeping really busy but in the middle of the night I have to get up, cry, read, check my email...

    I feel like I can never go back to the "old me." I have lost the sparkle in my eye, feel better being alone most of the time, can't stand to be around a lot of noise or large groups of people. I wear a mask a good part of the time. I'm sure my family think I am "getting better".

    With each loss, I lost a little more of me. The person I was before my daughter's death no longer exists, until I hardly know the person I am now. I used to be very outgoing, self-confident and ready to take on anything. Now I stay home a good bit. I have very few friends...they seem to disappear after you lose a child...and I have NO self-confidence in myself. I have withdrawn into a world of Angel Moms and online support groups...they seem to be the only ones who really understand. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression, post-traumatic stress syndrome, and panic attacks...and that's just the emotional problems. I, also, have hypertension, TMJ, hair loss, weight gain, insomnia, irritable bowel syndrome and this past July I was diagnosed with diabetes. My doctors tell me that all of these medical problems are directly related to the stress I've lived with since 1968.

    It has made me realize how very short life really is, and how important each moment is! each milestone each acheivement, needs to be celebrated, for you never really know! it could be the last one you might ever celebrate with your children ! and the knowledge of that is more then any one should ever deal with!

    I feel a mother is supposed to protect their young child.. I feel like I failed.. I was not able to save my son. 2 yrs later I still am scared I will lose my surviving daughter. I get up in the morning and smile for 2 reasons.. First and foremost , My daughter who is now 8. She gives me joy in my sad world.. Second... Because life will not stop for Andrew.. Even if it has for me life continues and I have no choice but to go on each day wearing a mask.

    I have so little patience now, before I was a rock to everyone else. I just took it. I save my patience for my family members and you guys at whispers, who understand what we all live with everyday. Outsiders DO NOT get it, even if they are pastors of Churches. I don't speak to my so called best friend of over 10 years for the last 1 1/2 years because she doesn't get it and I don't have the tolerance to put up with her and her life style. My mom has Alzheimer’s and I was going to take care of her I can't do that now. I don't want to put my kids through that when she goes to be with Russell and dad because they might wake up and find her gone in the next room. So I have guilt over that. I have trouble with my memory from the PTSD and so do my kids and husband. I get lost in the moment, my time warp I call it, my mind goes off thinking about how things might be different or when Russell was little or how Jimmy would call just to talk and then say I love you mom, your the only mom I claim or call mom. Jimmy’s biological mother was in prison and never called him, not on his last Christmas or his last birthday, a drug addict, brought to his funeral high and in hand cuffs, screaming and laughing through his funeral. Luckily I was not here, I was in Texas having Russell's funeral at the same time. Rambling???? Am I doing that now? LOL Probably because that is another thing that has changed, I never did that before. Someone wants to come for a visit from out of town? No I don't have the energy to deep clean the house like I used to, have to save my energy just to survive day to day for my kids. Is that not what God said worry about today, tomorrow will take care of it's self. I can't think of the future, at first I couldn't even think of the next 2 minutes now almost 3 years later I can think of tomorrow SOMETIMES. It was so bad I had to take it second to second for awhile. I have never been on antidepression medication though. A new car? A new house? We need both but the thought of it drives me up the wall, I have to have money to get away, out, to do things with my other kids or I feel that I'll go crazy. So what if the roof leaks we all might be gone tomorrow, enjoy today there maybe NO tomorrow.

    I don't look at life the same anymore. I take nothing for granted and never will again.

    I was a complete basket case for the first 2 years I would say. Then I just kind of breezed through the next 6 years, and finally the grief caught up to me. Then I about had a breakdown. I am a whole lot more cautious, protective of the kids I now have.

    . How has your child's death affected other areas in your life? The only place I do not associate my child with is when I am at work. She was never there and never should have been there. Any other place I go with my other child I think how much Kaitlyn would like it or hate it.