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"I miss him..." This is the stage I am in right now. It has hit me so hard lately how much I miss him. I think the children and daddy are also feeling this. It has now been 17 months since my precious son died, so I am looking back and remembering how things were. I think the numbness was starting to wear off at this point. It would be February of 2002 and I remember that the Holidays were not at all a bad experience. God just kept giving us blessing after blessing as we went through that Holiday season. But things started turning around... I remember sitting outside on the last day of 2001 crying, this was the first day that it really hit me hard that I would never see Michael again. The kids across the street were laughing while setting off fireworks... it had just become 2002. How I missed Michael! It hit me hard, the kids were asleep, daddy was working on the computer and I was sitting on the cold concrete of the front porch... oh so lonely! This was the first day of a new year, a year in which I would not see my son, I would not get to wish him a happy new year, a year in which I knew would not be happy for me... and I was oh so right!!! 2002 was the most unhappy year of my life! Never in my life have I felt such horrifying pain the depths of it I could never verbalize. Sitting on those cold hard steps I realized that my life was going to be so very cold and just as hard as that concrete my tears fell on. The loneliness was overwhelming! I still had 2 children at home and my husband who had been so supporting while Michael was dying. But I couldn't see anything past the deep hole in my heart. My children were grieving and my husband was grieving. Our family needed help so very much! There wasn't anyone around who had gone through this, no one to talk to, no one to lean on. Mitch was grieving in a different way I was. He had absorbed himself in his work. I can't even remember what I was doing, All I can remember is the pain! Back to My journey of tears Next to "I miss him more"