• 1. How is the death of your child different, worse, or not as worse, than other deaths or tragedies in your life? (If there has been other deaths could you state how they are related to you?)
• 2. How has your child's death affected other areas in your life?
• 3. Has your child's death incapacitated any areas of your life?
• 4. Does or how does the knowledge that God has a plan and that your child being in Heaven help you deal with the pain?
• 5. When did your child /children die and how old were he /she/ they.
• 6. How would you want your pastor/ priest / rabbi to respond to you and help you? What has a pastor said to you that helped or would you like him to say that would be helpful to you?
• 7. What about our other children?
• Here you will find comments that were made. Very good and informative reading!

I think C. S. Lewis summed up a lot of the feelings at the fresh loss stage of his wife's death( which last a lot longer than our friends know) when he wrote:
"Talk to me about the truth of Christianity and I'll listen gladly. talk to me about the duty of Christianity and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of Christianity or I shall suspect that you don't understand."

Grieving is hard work, we have to accept ourselves the way we are, to feel no guilt for seeming to be so helpless, so self absorbed in our grief. It is normal, we are normal. How can anyone expect us to be in good spirits ,strong.. this is as ridiculous as to expect someone to get off an operating table after major surgery and walk away.
In America people don't want to face grief, we ignore it or try to hurry it up. Not only do we not face grief and death we actually reward inappropriate grieving! We praise those who do not show their emotions, thus adding to their pain and time of healing.
Mourning is natural, as natural as birth and both are hard work.

We have to be patient with ourselves , however we can not afford to stop changing, to be content to stay a victim. We also can not let ourselves be rushed to change by those who do not understand and can not stand for us to be so unhappy. We know we have no choice at how happy we are, If we put on a mask of smiles or hardness we only slow our healing.
Friends who let us be ourselves are real supporters. Without a good support system healing takes much longer and... it becomes easier not to try...

The good news is that we have a great and loving God, He teaches us but He doesn't rush us, He waits for us, even leading a cheering section made up of those cloud of witnesses that surround us.

My sanctified son is in that crowd! My son has been made perfect, he has no personality flaws now. He has no selfishness, no stubborn streaks, he has been made sinless. Because of that my son can see as God sees, he can love as God loves.
Do you know what that means to me?
My son forgives me for not being able to save him, not being able to protect him from cancer, from turning into a skeleton, from dying. My son loves me unconditionally, just like God loves me.
That is so freeing to me! My son also knows the outcome, he is not caught in time. He sees the past, the now, the future! He sees Jesus. He sees how God will bring something beautiful out of what we feel is utmost devastation.

Because of this I can go on, still with a hole in my heart but with a little joy woven through that hole like beautiful lattice work. Can you picture my cheerleading section led by the Lord Jesus with my precious Michael and my sweet grandmothers Willoughby and High yelling the loudest and waving pompoms! (well it might not be just like that but it sure is a nice image in my mind)

* Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw Him, she feel at His feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.
"Where have you laid him?" He asked. "Come and see, Lord", they replied. Jesus wept.

He loved Mary and Martha and He hurt because of their hurt. Jesus felt their pain.

Little note... if you read the rest of the story you will see where the Jews around say.. "See how he loved him." Like so many times before and after, I think they misunderstood. They didn't understand WHAT Jesus knew, why should Jesus be sad that Lazarus was dead? He could raise him from the dead. Jesus wept for Mary's hurt.

Be there for us on our time, please!
We are so wrapped up in our grief, especially in the first year, that we can't deal with a time schedule. We need to have unconditional support, We need those who talk about our child, who tell us their memories, like he was someone who mattered. Why do we have to stop talking about our child when he dies? We still talk about our live children. Our dead child didn't just vanish as though he never lived! He still lives in our memories and in Heaven. We are proud parents, we love to talk about him. We love him.

Maybe you want something tangible to do for us, but we are so confused we can't always tell you what we need at first.
suggest things, like taking the children for a trip to the park so we can get a little extra rest. Or doing a load of dishes or clothes.

Or maybe just listen, listen to those stories we tell over and over, to those precious memories that we fear we are going to forget. What a wonderful gift to give us! Listen without giving advice... just listen!

I think this is when our healing takes place, when we can talk and not be judged or threatened.