January 06... made it out of the sad all encompassing depression.... it has been over 4 years since Michael died. One day I realized the sadness was gone, it was one of the best experiances I have ever felt. It may take longer or shorter but it will happen to you too... however you have to do the work.
Getting over bad depression is a decision!
A really hard decision and one that has to be made on a daily basis.
Some days you will do better, some days it will hit you so hard your heart jumps.
You will be able to come out of this depression... with time and God's help.
However for now...know that....
It doesn't have to have control of your life!
There are things you can do that make depression
where it is very hard to deal with.
Getting those things out of your life will be a GREAT help.
If you don't then your life will become a vicious circle of depression.
Yes, something bad has happened to you!
Yes, you have every right to be depressed
But do you really want to exercise that right?
I had to say no, I have little ones that need me, a husband that needs me.
Even if I didn't have them I don't want to be depressed!
You have to decide.
Are you worth the effort?
Do those around you need you?
foods that make matters worse:
SUGAR can bring on such a grief attack!
processed sugar is a big enemy.
I use raw sugar, cane juice, honey, and maple syrup.
These are also much better for children!
fast food, processed food, refined starch...
all these create vitamin deficiencies that alter the brain's biochemistry.
This leads to depression, unclear thinking, and fatigue.
Both mental and physical health is affected.
I have found out that an improper diet also leads to
most every physical health problem.
Processed foods lower your immune system.
Without a good immune system you open your body up to colds,
flu, and so many other horrible problems, such as cancer.
You have to have sleep! |
I have found Melatonin to help.
It is a natural sleep aid.
Lapsang Souchong tea is a help also.
It is a smoky full-leaf tea that makes you relaxed and sleepy.
Some people have to get used to the taste.
Personally I like it a lot and it taste great without sugar,
Walk outside in the morning.
This is one I have a lot of trouble with.
But when I do I feel better.
The sunshine is important and the exercise helps energize the body.
The touch from friends and family can actually heal.
It was found in many test on animals that those who were
cuddled or petted consistently when introduced to disease or
bad nutrition did far times better than those who were left alone.
Even hugs from strangers can have a positive effect.
I went to the doctors for another health problem and
she asked me if I had given thought to taking an antidepressant.
I almost cried, I told her I wasn't sure about
taking them but she reassured me that they would not hurt me
and because their needed, theres nothing wrong with taking them.
She put me on Paxil. The first dose I slept for 4 hours and when I woke
it was like a wind had blown the gray clouds of depression away.
I still am sad and cry over losing Michael. But I can smile too.
I have more energy and things are a little easier to deal with.
(Update) July 2003...
I took myself off Paxil last month when my father died. I talked with a lady who
gained a lot of weight on Paxil. She said it made her hungry all the time.
It dawned on me that it had done the same to me, I had gained almost a hundred
pounds! It was hard dealing with the emoitions of my fathers death without Paxil,
but it helped me also because I started loosing weight and that made me feel better about myself.
I think it was good for me to be on an antidepressant for a while because I needed it so bad,
I was not being a mother to my little ones and was so very depressed. But I think
also there must be a stopping point. I was on it for a year. I will try now to make it
without it. Emotionaly I am doing much better... now if I could loose the last 80 pounds!
(Update) Jan 2004...
Well, I started back on an antidepressant.
I still have the weight I gained with paxil. It was better for a while after
getting off it, then the Deathday(Setp.17), Birthday(Sept 23) and Holidays came hard on me.
I had a long talk with my doctor and she said that there was a good antidepressant that
would not only help me, give me energy, but help me LOOSE weight!
Wellbutrin . So far she was right. If anyone knows any bad side affects please let me know.
I think grief is more than we realize.
First there is terrible Wrenching pain.. it hurts soooo bad!
but it seems like grief is more: anger, loneliness, emptiness,
helplessness, frustration, sadness, bitterness, and worthlessness
It's weird but any of these can attack me at the strangest times.
Some known or unknown event can set them off.
A lot of the time it's something at Wal-Mart.
A glance of a blond young man in a blue vest with a smile face on it...
Someone who worked with him...
maybe even a product I saw in his hand once when he was stocking.
Then there is nothing but a strong feeling come over me that I can't shake.
A good friend who lost a baby when he was a few hours old
told me these were what she called "grief attacks"
That they will lessen in time.
I will let you know how long that takes....
Things people said that hurt!
((Click here if they want to add to this.))
- I know how you feel- they had no idea!
they never had been through anything like this.
- You have other kids- that's a little like
when you have an arm cut off and someone says
it's OK you have another one.
- People ignore you.- they say they were
giving you room to grieve. I wasn't "grieving"
I was devastated!
What I needed were friends that would let me
talk about Michael and wanted to hear and
specially tell me things about him!
- When you go through a crisis it brings
out the real you. No it doesn't! It can bring
out the worst and the best, many times within
a few minutes of each other. The person who said
this had never ever experienced any tragedy in
her life, she had no clue!
A person should never judge someone while they
are devastated, especially if they have never
gone through such a horrible tragedy.
- Move on with your life.- while this has not
been said, it has been insinuated.
I wish I could move on.
I wish sometimes I could forget, maybe for a month or so.
then maybe I could wake up happy, or maybe sleep the whole
night without waking at 3 or 4 am thinking about my son,
his life or his death. I wish I could borrow the "Neuralizer" out of MIB
so I could forget for maybe a month or so.
(please don't steal this,
I made it!)
- the rudest thing anyone did to me was stop talking to me.
This was someone who helped me through Michael's cancer and death.
Then I did something that hurt her feelings while I was so devastated.
I asked her to forgive me for yelling at her and she
wouldn't forgive me. I asked over and over. This was
the person who said " the crisis brings out the real you."
I have tried to understand why she will not talk to me.
She was always there for me, a good friend. Maybe she
blames me for Michael's death in some way. Maybe she
blames herself. I just keep working on the relationship.
I talk to her when I see her even if she doesn't talk back.
Below is what I wrote her a year after Michael died:
A traumatic experience does not bring out the personís true personality.
Instead it can alter a personís chemical balance tremendously!
Watching a child turn into a skeleton right before your eyes and
die and there is nothing you can do about it causes much stress!
However if that child is your own child it causes extreme stress!
There are not many things in this world that will cause more!
At this time in someoneís life it is important to overlook
his or her mistakes. There are not many things that can alter
a personís chemistry more than your child dying. I have talked
to many parents who this has happened to and I feel like I have
acted normal for what I have gone through. We all have one thing
in commend... we all had thoughts that the world is too hard to live
This is an extremely hard time in our lives!
I have said all this to help you understand where I was and am
coming from. I know you do not understand, and will not understand
unless it happens to you.
I know that I don't know JUST how you feel, but I do know that we both hurt very much. My situation is a bit different than most, but I still lost a daughter and I loved her very, very much, miss her terribly.
I don't know why I got started on all that...the reason I am writing is I wanted to share with you one of the things that has hurt me most that people say to me and you don't have to add it to your list if you don't want to, but people say to me....
It's been over three years, you are an adult, shouldn't you be over it by now?
This came from Mag, a remarkable Lady
who grieves for her
Please visit her site by clicking on her little girl's name, it will inspire you....
Here is a statement that Karen, mother to Mary has added...
YOU CAN ALWAYS ADOPT OR HAVE MORE CHILDREN
........No, I couldn't have more children and if I had 100 children, not one would be the one I lost nor would one replace her.
A "reason" for people avoiding me,
"We were giving you space to mourn.
NO NO NO!!!
I don't need space to mourn, I need friends to help me through!!
I want to talk about my son!
I want to be with people!
Yes, my son died, but that doesn't mean I am a stranger.
Immediately after his death people brought over food and sympathy cards. |
Then something happened in about 2 weeks
many of my supporters stopped coming around.
This was terrible because the numbness had worn off,
I needed people more than ever!!
I think people are so uncomfortable with death and dying,
that they were unable to handle the pain
When I needed people and their support most they seemed to disappear.
I was left to grieve alone.
My husband was grieving but
we were not grieving together.
It would and still does hit us at separate times.
It was such a hard time and even after 8 months it still is!
Some people still avoid me or avoid talking about Michael.
Try to understand the people who have had such horrible things happen to them.
Show them you care! It will mean so much to them!
"If I go to the grocery...well, throw a party!
If I cook more than once or twice a week, call the papers!"
Links that can help:
My loved one died. How can I deal with my loneliness?