I have gone through so much since I last wrote in February. It is now July 2003. I made it through the first hard day, July14th (my b-day and the date of Michael's cancer surgery), much better than I did last year.
What took me out of the very deep depression is a little odd. This is what I wrote a friend and I think it explains a little...

I am doing better I think...
It will be 2 years Michael gone in September. I still think of him everyday, but my days can be fun now.
The odd thing is what got me out of my deep depression. My father died June 7th. We were going to visit him for the weekend and we would get to Iowa after he would be over the dialysis treatment and we would go out to eat. I called 100 miles out of Iowa and his girlfriend said that the hospital called and said he went into crisis while doing dialysis. So she gave me directions to the hospital. He had already died but she didn't know it. When we got there I went up to see him and they took me to a "family" room and I knew something was wrong. I just kept saying he was supposed to wait for me.
This confused the doctor... they did not expect my dad to die at all, but you see I had a dream that he was going to die, I had brought funeral clothes for the kids and me. But he died in my arms in the dream, he was supposed to wait for me. Well, I had to do everything, I had to identify the body, make all the decisions, plan the funeral, take care of his house, all his stuff. It was awful but I put everything I had in it. You see since I lost Michael I have gained 95 pounds of pure fat.(as of Feb '06, 65 of those pounds are gone!) My health was shot so just doing the bare essentials took everything out of me. Here I was working from early morning to late night planning, scrubbing clean a home that a man who couldn't see very good had lived in for a year, packing, taking care of my children, spending time with my dad's girlfriend who was so devastated that emotionally she was shot, taking care of so many things. I even got heat stroke, but it just slowed me down a little until I reached home with a 5' x8' trailer with all I could take of dads stuff stuffed into it.
I took a good look at life.... I have to change my body and mind or I will end up dead also! I do not want my children to ever go through what I went through!!! It was so hard.
I did not morn as much as I thought I would for my father, there was not a shock time except at the hospital. It was odd but I felt "Yes God, this is how it is supposed to happen." He had lived his life, He was my father, I was supposed to bury him. This doesn't mean I don't love him, because I am daddy's girl and I love him. It just means that so much hurt comes from that place in my heart where only Michael's memories now reside that I feel comfort knowing that something in my life was put in the proper order.

Below is a picture of my father and my son Michael.

I found this at my dad's house. It was the nicest find!
I had taken the picture but it was with Dad's camera and I had never seen it.
Kind of neat having the butterfly behind them....

As I look at this picture having just posted it, My heart hurts so much, not only because I couldn't save him but also because I will not ever get a chance to take another picture of my son. I think he has such a beautiful smile.(even though this one is rather ornery)
Today(July 27) I took Christian to Wal-mart with me. He was wearing a Batman outfit, you know the pajamas and cape. He also had a Zoro mask on. As he "flew" through Wal-mart he said hi to everyone he saw and had conversations with anyone who would talk to him. Michael would have LOVED to have Christian fly up to him while he was working. Michael would have showed him off to his co-workers, just like he used to show off Kitty when she came in. I would make sure she was dressed nice or real cute when Michael was at work.

just a little memory about Wal-mart...
I remember one day when I needed Michael's discount card and he was working at the dock, one of cute girls there called for him over the store intercom so everyone could hear, saying "Mikey you are needed in groceries." She knew how much he hated being called Mikey, but this girl could get away with it because she was so cute...

I wish I could say that I don't cry anymore, but I can say I don't cry as much and the hurt is not so painful. Don't get me wrong.... there is a very deep hole in my heart that hurts more than any other hurt I have ever felt. It just doesn't hurt as much as it did before. I can think a little clearer also. I can study things that don't deal with death and grief. I spend more time with my little ones laughing and watching them. They are so very precious to me. I wish to spend more time with my grandchildren however my daughter works so much that I don't get to see them much. I want to get out of my house and now I have the strength to do it. My calendar is filling up again... I wish I could say I am getting back to normal but who's to say what is normal? I think I am making my new normal now. Those grief attacks are lessening, for that I am thankful! I had one today but that is the first one in a few weeks.

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