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My heart still hurts almost everyday, however not as bad as before. My mind is still disorientated most the time. It takes a lot to concentrate! House work is hard to do because of being tired all the time.
I NEED a good friend, one that will love me regardless of my stupidness. I need so much right now... I feel so alone...
What Grief Counselors are Told

    In the book "The Ultimate Loss, Coping with the Death of a Child"
    I found some things grief counselors are told.
  • grivers are not crazy
    Many of out expectations of what grief is like come from T.V. shows where people go through life shattering difficulties ... yet solve them in 28 minutes.
  • grief is an extremely disorienting experience and you may tend to think the griever is - different, alien, frightening, unbalanced.
  • Most likely there is nothing brilliant to tell a person whose child just died... And if you do have something... you must hold it for the right moment. Nothing said will make it better. anything given to deaden the pain... whether a verbal palliative, drink, or drug,... will only prolong the agony... the only way through this experience is through it.
  • Don't agree or disagree... These are additions to what the mom or dad already has to deal with.
    example: "life is unfair"
    agreeing increases the rut,
    disagreeing invites them to double there efforts to get across their point of view.
  • Just to be
     be there for them, allowing them to be and allowing them to pass through us whatever is given.... This creates an environment in which there is room to move on.. a supportive environment.
  • If a person is in an atmosphere that allows them to be themselves ...with no model for how they should or shouldn't grieve, they'll come through all right, without getting stuck.
    they come to a point where enough is enough and they will let go of their grief more and more.
  • (to be continued)
  • There are so many things I wish I had known from the early stages.
    I hope what I have learned will help you.
    (I have taken many, many notes from many many books and I have not documented where I got each set of notes. I will put a list of books I read but can not always tell you which book I got the information from. )

     ~Thought I would give poem writing a try.
    My hubby said it was comparable to "Vulgarian" poetry.
    This will only have meaning if you have read Douglas Adams books.
    The "Vulgarians" were the worst poets in the galaxy and used it as a form of torture.
    Nice comment.... but possibly close to true

    Please say his name.

    Are you ashamed?
    can you not see
    I need to hear he was special
    to others not just to me.

    Don't be afraid
    It's nothing morbid or out of place
    to remember the smile that
    shined so brightly on his face.

    Please say his name
    What do you fear?
    will it make you uncomfortable
    if I cry because he is not here?

    What's happened to our world
    that we have gone so far
    that we cannot say their name
    if they now live beyond the stars?

    As you go through the day
    with your child so close to you
    please remember those who are gone
    and say their name too.

    by Patricia Bird
    February 24 2003
    (these are not poems... fyi)

    What I am learning.... Jan 1st 2003
    I can not act the way I feel around
    people who have not lost a child

    I can not talk about my son who died around
    most people who have not lost a child,
    but I CAN talk about my children who are alive.

    If I put on a mask and pretend there is no hole in my heart...
    then they think I am doing so good!

    It is easier to stay home most the time...

    People who have not lost a child who died do not
    understand my tears while I shop at Wal-Mart
    where my son went to work so eagerly
    to save money for a future.

    That going to Church is so very hard because
    Michael used to go with me,
    now I sit alone during the sermon

    So I am learning to put on a mask,
    not to talk about my precious son who died,
    not to go to Wal-Mart unless I have to...

    And how easy it is to be a homebody...


    I'm still learning.... Jan 6 2003

    My hubby told me I have a reason to grieve,
    he started grieving with me

    I talked to friend who thought that a
    child dying was like a parent dying
    (His father died when he was a child)
    He is trying to learn the difference
    with out finding out first hand.

    I feel a great weight lifted off my shoulders
    I can talk about Michael at home now and be accepted
    There are a few I can tell in person that I am sad
    OF course I have my many e-mail bereaved mommy and daddy friends
    for which I am so grateful

    Knowing there are those who will let me grieve
    when I need and not condemn me but just accept me the way
    I am has set me free to enjoy life again

    Not like before when I was so naive and innocent
    But with the pain in my heart that will never leave,
    I am free to enjoy how God has blessed me.




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